week 1 in seoul

i felt pretty pathetic as i shed a couple tears this morning, feeling sorry for myself because i've yet again succumbed to nostalgia. i really have to stop doing that. it's annoying.

all is good. yeah so i had my moment, it's what i needed. i chatted with my mom and dad on facebook for the first time ever, something i normally would not have done by choice, but this morning it felt nice. i guess it's true you never appreciate your parents until you feel vulnerable and alone. or maybe that's just me. either way, it's something i feel i need to continuously strive to change. i felt much better after our chat, even though i told them everything was fine and that i'm having a good time. we left the apartment and explored another "zone" as my city tour book calls it, hong-dae, "a creative space for the young and free to express and share their unique culture" this is where i..

-witnessed my first fixed gear hipster biker gang cruisin the streets on some beautiful bicycles
-came across a store that didn't play k-pop or american top-40 but actually played a 90's brit pop blur song (and not that "woohoo" one that everyone knows.)
-saw a group of girls without the same plastic surgery faces and not dressed like they thought they were super models.
-men wearing skinny jeans, ray bans and fedora hats.

i was confused as to how i was supposed to feel about all this. in a country where everything has felt so overwhelmingly unfamiliar, this neighborhood has finally given me a sense of comfort merely because of familiarity. i liked this neighborhood a lot, mostly for its life and youth. however, this is where i soon realized that wherever you are..

hipsters will be hipsters.

new

i wish i were new to this city. or just new in general. "i want to be a baby again. i want to be new" so i can just start over. do it right. slowly but surely i'm starting to realize that it ain't gonna happen. paranoid that people will notice if i attempt to reinvent myself and feeling too old to do so anyways. it's impossible to escape from myself. no matter where i run off to. i'm still gonna run.

running..

off to the motherland. 10 days. 

lingerer

even after i've gone, you shimmy your way back in.
"i thought we got rid of him," she'd say. 
you lingerer.
not the way rox smelled of his sweet cologne
after she had rubbed her whiskers against his fingers
but the way his hands still smelled of fish
even days after his trip.
i used to think your silence was mystery.
i should have known it was ignorance.
parasite.
blatant liar.
leave me alone.

brood

verb
to think deeply about something that makes one unhappy.

jealousy consumes me.
i wish i were free from you.
nothing is ever good enough.
i crave and i get, but when i get
i'm still left short of satisfaction.
from afar, you're perfect.
you probably have flaws.
in fact i'm pretty sure of it.
but you still have what i want
and you dangle it so delicately in front of me
gently tending to my beautiful garden of jealousy
currently in full bloom.
and you do this without even knowing
and for that, for that i despise you.
i despise you from afar and nobody knows it.

pondering pooh

there are just too many things i want to explore and too little life space. it upsets me that i cannot somehow tetris all of my wants and needs to fit into the time line of this life. it also upsets me that i cannot explore each and every one of my curiosities to its utmost potential. why must i choose? i refuse to make sacrifices.

and she said, "i'd say be honest with the one that makes you happiest. the one you're willing to be the most dedicated to. and then give it your all. give it all you fuckin got, until you got no mo."

and i said, "then i shall ponder some more."

she, "do ponder. pooh was a fan of it."

i, "pondering pooh. pooh the thinker, pooh the philosopher."

she, "was he?"

i, "but of course! pooh thinks of the complexities in life and simplifies them. the skill of a true philosopher."

it was bullshit of course, but i went with it.

"People who don't think probably don't have brains; rather, they have grey fluff that's blown into their heads by mistake."

-Winnie the Pooh.

only in vail

    so i went to a street beat show to see robert randolph play a free show in vail not too long ago. i attended, not really expecting much, but more to kill time before heading down to denver to see some friends. little did i know that from this one show alone, i'd have several different instances where i experienced an "only in vail" kind of moment. some friends and i strolled in like we would any other outdoor winter show we've attended this season and made our way closer to the stage. the show started and the crowd around us bobbed back and forth getting into the music. but as the band warmed up, i noticed the crowd warm up with them, and slowly but surely, the non chalant tip-toe up and down bobs turned into full on jumps and as the music peaked, the air above me began to fill with a familiar smoke. everywhere i turned, i noticed groups of friends discretely lighting up a joint, smoking a pre packed bowl, or just blatantly smoking a fat doobie. sure, this is something one would normally see at any outdoor show or festival. the difference was that when i turned to my left, i noticed a familiar face with a group of mr. familiar face's friends huddled in a group lighting up a joint and lookin as happy as can be. i blatantly stared at this fellow as i tried to figure out how i recognized this man who looked old enough to be my father and soon realized this man was someone i see on the bus ride to work every morning. it's quite common, living in a small town, to recognize people anywhere you go, but this particular encounter was specifically much more enjoyable than others. as i sit on the bus every morning, attempting to doze off for an extra 30 minutes on the way to work, i see a relatively conservative looking man get on the bus a few stops after mine, wearing the quintessential vail type north face winter jacket and hat, usually with reading material in hand, unassumingly on his way to his 9-5 job. it brought a warmness in my heart to come across this man at the show, enjoying his recreational substance with his group of middle aged friends because it lessened my fear of aging, and gave me hope for my older self. not to say that i'd be going to some mediocre show and lighting up a doobie when i'm middle aged, but it just reminded me that i shouldn't be so afraid of aging in fear that i might lose my youthful spirit.
    soon after this encounter, we jumped our way closer to the front when i noticed an asian girl, similar to my height jumping up and down with her friends in front of me. i probably don't have to explain the ratio of asians to whites for anyone to know that there simply aren't many of us in vail, so it's clearly noticeable when one of us see's another. i didn't think much of it, but still found myself glancing over at her out of curiosity, quick to look away anytime there was eye contact. as we awkwardly exchanged looks while pretending not to, i thought, "am i as noticeable to other people as she was to me?" standing there amongst my friends and other random people i never realized that maybe i don't blend in as much as i felt i did, but stuck out as much as this girl did to me. as these thoughts were running through my head, i noticed another straight black haired head jumping closer to my vicinity and now there were three of us in the same 100 ft diameter. what are the odds? i reflected on how rare of an occasion this was when suddenly my eyes zoomed in and noticed a feather in this girls hair, pretty much in the same spot as i had mine. an eerie feeling came over me followed by the need rip out my feather and separate myself from this situation because it was getting far too strange. i realized then that my urge to be different and original consumed me and the very sight of anyone being the slightest bit similar to me damn near gave me an internal panic attack. is this why i'm constantly trying to separate myself from familiar places and faces, getting antsy and feeling unsettled when life becomes too...settled?

its funny how such simple incidents can arouse all these thoughts and somehow, i still never come up with a conclusion to my endless internal issues. i recently discovered a book in my living room called sun-sign revelations and have been obsessing over the detailed character traits listed under my sign. it tells me that "sagittarius distrusts security and frets when he feels confined and safe...they have faith that they will eventually find the right track to run on, but until the track is found and the goal is achieved, they are uncomfortable in a single place and have no inner peace." so i guess the search for content continues...

2 and a half weeks left in the season. where will this sagittarius end up next?

it's been a while. feels good to be back.