questions that don't have answers.

why do i always feel the need to go out there, further than i already am, to be "things" and do "stuff"?  as if what i'm doing is never nearly enough.

"it really isn't," she thought to herself.

everything i do feels so sub-par, borderline useless. making bold passionate moves is difficult, and making realistic decisions is discouraging. must i settle? or do i just say "fuck everyone, i do what i want"? wouldn't that just be taking selfishness to a whole another level? i know there are certain sacrifices i need to make to keep the peace in my reality, but how much do put up with at this point?

what's the sexy brown?

  

any guesses?

rain. and a lot of it.

the itsy bitsy students climbed up the giant hill.
down came a flood and washed the students out.
up did not come the sun, but instead approached a landslide.
so the itsy bitsy students fleeted indoors
and groused about such things on the interweb.

4th in Sinchon

there's nothing quite like celebrating america's independence, watching some 19 year old with an american flag tied around his neck vomit all over himself on the streets of sinchon. as i left the bar at 11:00pm, one drink deep and sober as a judge, i came to the realization that my glory days were most definitely coming to an end. sure, there was a time in my life when i swore i'd never be that old square, but low and behold, suddenly i'm referred to as the "old one that can't hang." that being said, i know it's not entirely my age nor is it the setting that keeps me sober and makes me miss home, but more the lack of people i feel comfortable getting fucked up with. it's probably a good thing. this city makes it way too convenient for one to get trashed and end up in a 24 hour sauna for some random old guy to sidle up and spoon you against your will. i guess i'd much rather come home and write about how that didn't happen to me, but most definitely happened to someone else. it's hanging out with a cousin i just met with her philosophy professor boyfriend, and finding out he's in his early 40's but plays the bass guitar in a band with his buddies, talking to them about music through broken korean/english, sharing a ginormous bowl of pat-bing-soo with the only cousin i have who's my age, connecting with an old "life coach" over jack and cokes at a swanky bar, or simply exploring the city on a beautiful day with some good tunes and a comfortable pair of shoes that make me love being in this foreign land so far from home. even so, i'm certain that the novelty will wear off soon, and it'll be time for me to makes some decisions that i've been dreading to make. should i stay or should i go?

seoul's theme song

finally getting into the swing of things. sleep schedule adjusted. bowel movements normal. now all i have to do is get out there, meet some folks and have a drink. T- 5 days till i'm out on my own and living with a complete stranger. these things shouldn't be so difficult for me. in my mind i'm courageous enough to have accomplished these simple things already, yet i haven't and sometimes find myself bored given the circumstances. it's like i push myself to do something new and different, but once i get as close to the edge as possible, i hesitate to jump (and i swear, i take running starts!) welp, either way i'll jump (or maybe the devil inside will just push me in). on the plus side, all of this down time has given me some time to listen to some new music, doodle in my notebooks and get back into shape. it's been a while since i've been sober this long and fit from hauling my ass to the gym everyday. "what a square," she thought to herself.
 "oh shut up, you."

17th and lotus

finally got around to it and just threw it together.

apology

i guess one of these are in order.
for all those times i haven't been clear.
for not making those sacrifices you never expected me to,
but wanted me to make.
but after the first couple times, i realized
it didn't make a difference either way.
just like it makes no difference to you
that i've been through it too.

set yourself free
no one else will do it for you.

whew, what a release