Monday, September 13, 2010


10 minutes into the show I fell in love with David Bazan. 20 minutes in, during the "question and answer" portion of the show I found out he was married. Somehow Max had indirectly found a way to break my heart. Congratulations.

No but really, I didn't so much fall in love with him as I just wanted to be him. I envied his nonchalant state of being, his intimately small group of fans and his lyrical and musical talent. This night, I wanted to be somebody else. I wanted to be a balding bearded man in a simple black shirt and jeans rockin' out with my band in a small denver venue. How I envied the life I imagined he lived. They were headed to Nebraska next to continue their tour, just on the wide open road doing what they love. No bullshit. No fuss of the ridiculous reality of what I call life. I'm sure they have their own problems, but I don't see them as real human beings. I idolize the people I admire cause it gives me something to envy, and to reconfirm that my life sucks.

Ok so yeah, I have a lot to be thankful for. Depending on the perspective, some might say I live a good life. I have loving friends and family, a job to pay the bills, hobbies that make me happy (and frustrated) and a sweet little kitty. But I was told last night that I was the most lost person he had ever met in his entire life. And this is coming from someone who knows fuckin' everyone. And maybe living just a good life isn't good enough. I'm constantly unsatisfied with what I have and always searching for something better. The grass is always greener on the other side..and when I take a leap of faith and hop the fence to step foot on that greener grass, I realize there's another damn fence with blazing neon green grass on the other side of that. It's an eternal field where the grass just gets greener and brighter and blinding and I keep hopping that damn fence hoping it'll be the last but it's not. Instead, I become blinded by the grass and somehow lose my way and find myself standing in the middle of a damn field wondering where the next fence is.

At least I know that temporarily, I can stand there and feel the fresh green grass between my toes..and damn it feels good. I'm currently mid climb on my millionth life fence. Hopefully this climb is successful and I find myself on the other side. I'm hoping that other side is on a mountain in Vail, where the grass is fuckin sweet and the fresh pow is even sweeter.

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