Monday, August 30, 2010


What is it about reminiscing that makes the past seem so much better than it actually was?
Looking through old photo's is a dirty trick, especially in this digital age where you can keep and delete whatever you please. It's like creating a past for yourself the way you want it to be remembered, like old history books that are no longer reliable, biased and untrue. I've spent the last week looking through old photo's at my parents house and old photo's saved on my computer and it feels like I'm looking through a window into another lifetime of another person. "That's not me, is it?" is the thought constantly running through my mind. It's hard to look at pictures of myself and my family, looking wholesome and dandy on a family Christmas vacation, or a deliriously happy smile plastered across my own face snuggled up to someone I once called my other. This makes it difficult to remember the hard times, especially when it's hard to imagine that these times even existed. I leafed from photo to photo, through box to box, from digital album to digital album, skimming through the perfectly composed tri-pod/timer set family photo "masterpieces," desperately hunting for those genuine moments and expressions that only a photograph could capture. There were quite a few within those piles actually, who knew. Turns out a photo can deceive but also reveal a pure and honest moment. I always get a pang of guilt with a dash of depression looking through old photos the way I have been. Maybe I should stop. "So, they love me in indescribable amounts. Unconditional. But they drive me fuckin crazy." "So, they were once young and beautiful and full of hopes and dreams." "So, I really did break his heart, I guess." "So, we were once the best of, and I've deemed never to speak to you again." "So, we went our separate ways and that's just the way it is." "So, he's got a new family now and could care less about me." "So, you were my idol and for some reason you still are." Some additional thoughts that decided to make an appearance. Obsessed with reminiscence. I'm pretty sure it's another unhealthy obsession to add to my list.

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